


Hey, II

by HeyItsJJ



Series: Hey [2]
Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Light Angst, M/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-24
Updated: 2018-03-24
Packaged: 2019-04-07 14:06:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14082603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeyItsJJ/pseuds/HeyItsJJ
Summary: He's here. And it's awkward. But it's fine. Really. It's okay. It's fine.(It's not.)





	Hey, II

**Author's Note:**

> Here's part two, YAY! Pls remember I wrote this over the summer so there's some things here that are no longer accurate and/or relevant but WE SAID WE WERE GONNA LET IT SLIDE.

“Hey.”

 

“Hey.”

 

Okay. Shit. He should've thought this through.

 

“I was in the neighbourhood?”

 

_ God fucking dammit. _

 

Trixie lets out a quick laugh, he can't stop himself. It's just so ridiculous. But it's Katya, and this is probably more on the normal side of the spectrum for him.

 

Or, it would be. Except they haven't really been talking lately.

 

“Are… are you here to talk about the show?” he asks awkwardly, not really sure what else to say.

 

Katya winces slightly.

 

“Uh, no, actually,” he starts, “I um… I kinda had a panic attack.”

 

Half-truths, that's a good place to start.

 

Trixie's eyes widen with concern and his mouth drops to a small gasp.

 

“Are you okay? What happened? When was this? Why didn't you call me?” he fires question after question while pulling Katya into his apartment and closing the door.

 

“I'm gonna make tea. Go sit on the couch. Chamomile okay?”

 

Katya nods and does as he's told, sitting down on the edge of the loveseat.

 

He should've really come up with some sort of plan. This wasn't exactly how he was hoping to do this. But he didn't really know how to approach this.

 

_ Hey so I Ubered over because I'm stupidly in love with you and I'm really really hoping you feel the same way but also if you don't it's okay I'll get over it I think also I still definitely wanna do the show so don't let my dumb feelings get in the way of that. _

 

Yeah, no.

 

He zones out until Trixie places a mug on the table in front of him and sits on the chair on the other side.

 

_ Ouch. _

 

“Come on, Tracy, you know I won't bite. Unless you want me to.” Katya winks at Trixie, testing the waters.

 

Trixie rolls his eyes and moves to the other end of the loveseat.

 

Okay. That's a start. Sure, they usually sit so close that they're practically on top of each other, but still. Could be worse.

 

“You ready to talk about it?” Trixie asks gently.

 

_ No. Absolutely not. _

 

“I guess.”

 

Trixie takes a sip of his tea, places it on the table, and turns his body to face Katya.

 

Silence.

 

Katya doesn't know where to start. There's so much to say. Where does he even begin? Does he jump straight to  _ I love you _ ? Does he apologize for giving him the cold shoulder the last few weeks? But then again, it had been a bit of a two-way street. Trixie hadn't gone out of his way to reach out to him, either.

 

Half-truths. Half-truths are a good place to start.

 

“I've missed you.”

 

Okay. That's a little more honest than he was hoping to start with.

 

Before Trixie can reply, he pushes forward.

 

“I know we've been on completely opposite ends of the world for a bit there and also you couldn't keep in contact for a while because of… um… you know, your uh. Broken leg?”

 

Trixie snorts and Katya allows himself a genuine smile, even if just for a few seconds. Everyone and their mother knows what Trixie was really up to during those weeks he was away, but he was adamant about sticking to the NDA no matter what.

 

But that's a conversation for a later time.

 

“Anyway, I dunno. It's like even when you got back we weren't really able to get back into our groove and I think that on top of a whole bunch of other stuff piled up and. Well. You know how my anxiety can get.” He grabs his mug and takes several sips of the tea so he can stop himself from saying anything else. Like  _ I'm so in love with you and I just realized that and I know I have no right to be but here we are. _

 

“Hey, you know I'll always be here for you,” Trixie says. “You're right, I've just been so busy and been shit at keeping in contact and all that. But I'm so sorry you felt you couldn't call me when you were having your panic attack. I need you to know you can always count on me, Kat.”

 

And it feels like there's more he wants to say, but he doesn't. And God knows there's more Katya wants to say, but he doesn't. He just smiles gently at Trixie and stands up.

 

“Well I'll be getting out of your hair now, sorry for barging in at this ungodly hour. Thanks for the tea.”

 

Before he can walk away Trixie springs up and grabs his wrist.

 

“Oh don't be ridiculous, Katya. Just sleep over. Come on, just like we used to. Let's get back into our groove!” he says, a little too cheerful for the previous tone of conversation. But this is Trixie, and Katya is nothing if not a glutton for punishment.

 

“Okay yeah, that sounds good.”

 

***************

 

This was not good. Katya’s locked himself in Trixie’s bathroom for the past few minutes, trying to get his bearings. He splashes some cold water on his face and looks at himself in the mirror.

 

“Come on, you idiot. Get yourself together.”

 

He takes out his phone and dials Violet’s number. They answer on the second ring.

 

“This better be a post-coital phone call you’re making, you whore. Because that is the only good excuse I can think of for you to be calling me at this time.”

 

“Violet, I’m in his bathroom and I’m freaking out. We talked, but we didn’t  _ really _ talk. And I was going to go home but he told me to sleep over, just like we used to. And I think he can tell something’s up because there’s this awkward feeling looming over both of us and I hate that God we’ve NEVER been awkward around each other oh my God this was such a bad idea—”

 

“Shut the fuck up, get in his bed, and either tell him how you feel or put on the fucking performance of your goddamn life and deal with it.”

 

Katya’s mouth snaps shut and he manages a weak “yes, ma’am” before Violet hangs up.

 

There’s a knock on the door.

 

“Kat? You okay?”

 

Katya takes a deep breath, plasters on a smile, and opens the door.

 

“Yep! Just super tired. Time for bed!”

 

Trixie gives him a look but thankfully doesn’t press any further.

 

“Here,” he says quickly, shoving a bundle of clothes at Katya. “I figured you don’t wanna sleep in your street clothes.”

 

“Oh, thanks Tracy.” Katya unfolds the clothes and lets out a surprised chuckle. “Are these MY sweats and T-shirt?”

 

Trixie blushes.

 

“I have not seen this shirt in FOREVER and I completely forgot about these pants!”

 

“Uh, yeah. You left them here a while ago and I just kept forgetting to give them back. Figured this was a good opportunity.” He turns around when he notices Katya stripping out of his clothes and putting on the soft shirt and sweats. He rolls his eyes when Katya kicks the dirty pile off to the side and makes a mental note to not let him forget his clothes this time.

 

“So. Bed time?” Katya asks.

 

“Bed time.” Trixie responds and leads the way to his bedroom.

 

“I can sleep on the couch, I don’t mind.” Katya offers weakly.

 

“Oh, shut up. We always share a bed, doofus. And we’re trying to get our groove back, remember?” Trixie sounds confident but Katya can’t help but wonder why he didn’t turn around to face him while saying that.

 

_ God I hope it’s not awkward _ , Katya prays.

 

***************

 

It’s awkward. It’s so awkward. Holy fucking SHIT it’s awkward. They’re both laying on their backs, side-by-side, and it’s so. fucking. awkward. Katya is thinking of a possible excuse to leave —  _ I left the stove on; I don’t know if I locked the door; I can’t remem _ — when Trixie breaks the silence.

 

“What, you’re not gonna ask me to make out with you before we fall asleep this time?”

 

It’s a joke. It’s so CLEARLY a joke. Katya KNOWS it’s a joke. But something in him snaps.

 

“Well I mean you told the whole fucking world how uncomfortable that made you so I figured I shouldn’t do that again.”

 

Trixie snaps on to an upright position, switches the bedside lamp on, and turns to look at Katya, mouth open in shock.

 

“Is THAT what this is about?! Why you’ve been so distant?! Because of a stupid JOKE I made at fucking Drag Con?!”

 

Part of Katya wants to just apologize, blame the panic attack and say he didn’t mean it. But that part was overruled by his inherent need to self-destruct.

 

“Oh, so THAT’S what I am to you? Just a fucking joke? Thanks, Tracy. Good to fucking know.” Katya leaps from the bed and storms out of the room.

 

_ Fuck. _

 

That’s all he can think of as he marches his way through Trixie’s apartment towards the front door.

 

_ Fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK. GREAT fucking job, Katya. Nothing quite like destroying the most important relationship in your life. Oh and you’ll be out of a job soon, too. No fucking way is he going to stick with your stupid ass for the show any more. Fuck. Fuck. FUCK. _

 

He finally reaches the front door, grabs the doorknob, and is about to twist it open when there’s a forceful grab on his shoulder, spinning him around to face Trixie. His face is very clearly angry, but there’s also a hint of confusion and concern. Always concern for Katya.

 

“Sit your ass down, you’re having a panic attack,” and with that he tugs Katya down along with him. Trixie sits with his back against the door and situates Katya into a lying position, his head on his lap.

 

The calming effect Trixie has on Katya is both immediate and horrifyingly so. Even though he is clearly angry with him, merely being in his presence is enough to fight off the panic attack in what feels like seconds. He can feel Trixie brushing his fingers through his hair and considers just falling asleep and wishing tonight never happened when Trixie speaks up.

 

“We need to talk about this, Katya. If we don’t, it’ll ruin us.”

 

“I’ve had two panic attacks in as many hours, Trix. Can’t this wait ‘til the morning?” Katya whines, hoping it’ll work.

 

Trixie pulls him to a seating position next to him and turns his face towards his own.

 

“No, we can’t. Because we both know that, come morning, we’ll both choose to pretend this never happened in the hopes that it’ll all magically go away. And for a while it will. But then something will come up again and honestly? I don’t know if we’ll survive another fight.”

 

Katya sighs in defeat, knowing Trixie is right. But where to even BEGIN this conversation?

 

“Did I really make you uncomfortable that night?” he whispers quietly, terrified of Trixie’s answer.

 

Trixie lets out a quick breath of air, smiling softly.

 

“Of course you didn’t, idiot. I’m used to it. Plus we make out all the time for shows. I just said it to be funny.”

 

Katya sighs in relief. Now they can move on from that. But before he can help it and without knowing what he’s doing, another question slips out.

 

“So why’d you say no, then?”

 

_ Jesus fucking Christ why do you HATE yourself?! _

 

Trixie’s smile quickly turns to a look of sadness but just as fast — fast enough to make Katya wonder if he imagined it in the first place — he manages to compose his face. He looks down and starts fiddling with a loose thread on his shirt.

 

“I dunno. Felt different. It always feels different when it’s not for a show.”

 

He looks up at Katya and yes he’s smiling again, but it’s so clearly a sad smile and Katya’s heart is breaking because what in the HELL did he ever do to put that look on Trixie’s face?

 

“Plus I figured your new man wouldn’t like me talking about us kissing, haha. I know that was always a major issue with all my exes.”

 

Wait, WHAT?

 

“I think that’s also part of the reason I’ve been so distant, to be completely honest.” Trixie continued, completely unaware of the confusion Katya was currently experiencing.

 

“I mean, we’re best friends, aren’t we? We tell each other everything. I’ve told you about all my relationships right from the get-go. You’ve told me about every piece of trade you’ve ever had, but an actual RELATIONSHIP you keep from me? It really hurt me, Kat. And I also thi—”

 

“What the actual FUCK are you talking about?” Katya finally interrupts, his brain once again functioning.

 

And Trixie is back to looking angry.

 

“Seriously? You’re gonna keep it up? What, does he hate me so much he doesn’t want you to tell me about him? Or is it YOUR choice to not tell me? Either way it’s shitty and I don’t deserve it!” He goes to stand up by Katya grabs his arm and clings to him desperately, not allowing him to do so.

 

“Tracy you’re seriously going to need to back up here, I have NO idea what’s going on. What relationship? I’m not dating anyone, I promise! If I were of COURSE you’d be the first person I’d tell!” Katya’s voice is borderline hysteric.

 

Trixie slumps against the door, defeated.

 

“Then what are you talking about when you do your Instagram lives and say you’re in love? And when you Tweet saying you’ve never been happier?”

 

_ Oh, shit. _

 

Katya should’ve known better, he really should have. But when you’re jet-lagged and lonely and all you want is a fucking drink — or maybe something stronger — then the easiest distraction is to grab your phone and just spill everything you’re feeling out into the universe. Then rationalizing it to yourself by saying you’re just bullshitting your fans so they can have a field day speculating. But deep down knowing every word you’re saying, typing, thinking is a million percent true and FUCK how did it take him so long to realize?!

 

He looks over at Trixie and, though he’s still looking down at the floor, he can tell he’s desperately waiting for an answer.

 

It would be so easy to give him the explanation he’d been giving himself this whole time. Just an easy  _ oh my GOD, Tracy! I was just goofing to mess with my fans! Oh, I can’t believe you thought it was real, of COURSE I would tell you if I was ACTUALLY in love!  _ and they would have a big laugh about it and things would go back to the way they were and it would all be fine again. It’d be so EASY…

 

…but he can’t. He can’t keep hiding, he needs to do this.

 

So he takes a deep breath and prepares himself to get his heart broken.

 

“Okay. So, first of all, please believe me when I tell you that at the time of those Instagram lives and Tweets I had myself convinced that I was just messing around with my fans. It wasn’t until tonight, when Violet basically FORCED me to this realization,” Katya looks up at Trixie and the look of confusion on his face would be absolutely comical in a different situation.

 

“I wasn’t lying when I told you I’m not in a relationship. I’m not, nor have I been in what feels like forever. But I AM in love, Trix. And it’s terrifying. It’s so scary, I can’t even begin to explain it. That’s what caused the first panic attack tonight, the realization that I’m so completely, absolutely, head over heels CRAZY in love with you.”

 

Trixie’s gasp of surprise is so loud in the quiet room that is almost drowns out the sound of Katya’s heart breaking. Almost.

 

“Please don’t freak out, okay? Please. I’m literally begging you, Trixie. It’ll be fine, I promise. I’m gonna get over it and I’ll be fine and everything will be fine and WE’LL be fine and NOTHING has to change. We can do the show, we can keep being us, it’ll all keep on being the same I PROMISE just PLEASE don’t freak ou—”

 

“Katya I need you to shut the fuck up right now.”

 

Katya snaps his mouth shut and feels the terrible knot building up in his throat. He wills the tears pooling in his eyes to not spill over.

 

Trixie places a hand on each side of Katya’s face and gently —  _ always gently God he’s always so gentle, always knowing when Katya needs to be treated delicately always knowing KATYA and oh God Katya knows he won’t survive if Trixie tells him they need to stop being Trixie-and-Katya _ — turns him so he’s looking right at him, nowhere to hide.

 

Trixie looks so scared and Katya wants to die.

 

“Are you being serious? I need you to tell me if you’re being serious. Because if this is a set up for a joke or something then I’ll never forgive you, Katya. I swear I never will. Because if this is a joke then you’re just being cruel.”

 

Katya lets out a desperate laugh because what universe did he just step into? He’s just spilled his entire heart and Trixie thinks he’s playing a joke?

 

“Joke? What do you mean, I don’t… I don’t understand?”

 

Trixie’s face lights up with something that looks like… hope?

 

“Oh my God, you’re serious!” Trixie covers his face and bursts into a fit of giggles and wow. Out of every possible reaction, this was one Katya was definitely not expecting. He thought a flat-out rejection would hurt the most, but this was a million times worse.

 

“Now who’s being the cruel one, Trix?” Katya says in a raspy whisper. “I can understand you not feeling the same way but for you to just LAUGH at me when you kno—”

 

“I love you, too!” Trixie blurts, practically screaming. He grabs Katya’s face again so he can be sure he’s looking right at him and can see how genuine he’s being.

 

“I’ve loved you for so long, Katya. I’ve been so scared this entire time that you’d realize it because I knew, or well I THOUGHT I knew, that you didn’t do relationships and I was seriously just ready to spend the rest of my life loving you in secret because GOD I would so prefer to have you in my life as just a friend than not have you at all but now… oh my God I need to breathe I think I’m about to pass out!”

 

Katya bursts into a laugh, and this feels like the first genuine laugh to come out of him in forever. He feels a huge weight lifted from his shoulders and he’s so giddy and in love and he’s laughing and laughing and laughing…

 

…and he’s not laughing any more.

 

He can’t laugh any more.

 

Because Trixie finally —  _ finally _ — leans over and kisses him. It’s a quick kiss, and as soon as he breaks it Trixie looks at Katya to make sure it’s okay and  _ yes God PLEASE of COURSE it’s okay  _ it’s Katya’s turn to kiss him and they’re kissing and bursting into giggles and kissing and giggling and kissing and kissing and giggling and when the giggles get in the way of the kissing they press their foreheads together and giggle and giggle and giggle until they’re out of breath and Trixie gently —  _ always gently  _ — frames Katya’s face and plants a soft kiss on Katya’s nose and they look at each other and they both come to the realization they’ve been crying this whole time but they’re happy tears  _ so happy so so happy so FUCKING happy…  _ and they can’t stop looking at each other, will never get enough of looking at each other.

 

“Hey.”

 

“Hey.”

**Author's Note:**

> Once again, I welcome (and would actually really appreciate) any and all constructive criticism, please!
> 
> Thank-you so much for reading!


End file.
